lost - for hunter_returns

[restrengthen]

Gadreel was still reeling. Kevin's face kept replaying over and over again in his mind and Dean's look of betrayal... He had no choice and he knew this to be truth. Metatron was offering him something that even his Father wouldn't. A place in Heaven, not a dungeon. Still, it pained him. He had taken an innocent life. He was far from righteous, but he had been trying to change... he had wanted to be good. What was he now? The murderer of a prophet.

He breathed out a weary sigh and tilted his head back. He could feel Sam stirring within him again and he dreaded the day that he would be strong enough to intervene.

Comments

[hunter_returns]

He'd been putting the pieces together for weeks now. Missing time, odd reactions, flashes of dreams that made no sense. Dean was a good liar, but even Sam could pick up on the uneasy way his brother looked at him most of the time.

Something was wrong.

It was the flood of grace, of power that burned Kevin up that woke Sam from his induced sleep. Tamped down beneath the consciousness of an angel.

Getoutgetoutgetout A weak and panicked flailing of his consciousness, but he wasn't strong enough to do more than faintly protest. But the further they traveled, the more aware Sam grew. He couldn't cast him out, but he could talk to him. The angel didn't have the same certainty as Lucifer, the same clarity. There was too much confusion, too much pain and turmoil.

So Sam did what he always did. He talked. Why did you do it? Why did you kill Kevin? He wasn't a threat to you.

[restrengthen]

Gadreel was quiet for a moment, fighting against the protest he felt. It was a precarious balance -- keeping Sam's body functioning enough to be useful and attempting to keep Sam weak enough to prevent him from pushing him out of his body. It wasn't that he'd necessarily lied when he promised Dean that he would heal him -- he had every intention in the beginning.

Things had become such a mess since those days...

He wasn't. There was no reason to disagree or argue it. Metatron sees him as one though. I didn't get a choice...

[hunter_returns]

He was exhausted, but Winchester determination carried him far enough to keep talking. That's not true. You always have a choice.

Ohgod Dean. Was he all right? Worry flooded him, enough to keep Sam awake. As long as Gadreel didn't overwhelm him, he could manage. Look in my memories. My brother and I were supposed to be vessels for the Apocalypse. Everyone said we didn't have a choice, that we were fated to end the world.

The trials. He should have finished them. Kevin would be alive right now. Free will. We always have choices. Don't do this.

[restrengthen]

Your brother is fine. He could feel the worry, feel the panic. It was unnecessary though. He had not touched Dean other than to keep him from attacking.

What choices do I have? He wanted to go home, but not to a dungeon. Not back to a cage and his Father would not forgive him so easily. It's too late. I would be dead if I took any other path now.

[hunter_returns]

No, Dean isn’t okay. He’s about as far from ‘okay’ as he can get and Sam can’t help but worry after what had happened. You told him I was gone. There was no accusation, no sense of rebuke, only concern for his brother.

Sam knew that desperation, feeling trapped and shoved on a path that you didn’t want to go down. It’s never too late. Just.. just stop. Please. Listen to me. Imploring with everything that he had left, Sam knew that if this didn’t work, if Gadreel didn’t listen, he probably would vanish. Fade beneath the angel’s consciousness until there really was nothing left.

You can make your own path, find your own way. It doesn’t have to be Metatron’s way and it doesn’t have to be God’s way. I sacrificed everything for free will and I don’t think it was just something given to humans. It was given to angels too. Castiel, Gabriel, Anna, Balthazar, they all made their own choices. Maybe they weren’t always the right ones, but they were free to do it.

[restrengthen]

I had to. Or perhaps he didn't. It wasn't said out of malice though. He didn't have any real desire to hurt Dean more than necessary... particularly not when he knew his actions were done out of love for his brother. He hadn't been entirely lying when he said that he thought angels were meant to be creatures of compassion.

What would you do in my place, Sam? I don't want to go back to dungeons... I don't want to be kept a prisoner. I just want to go home.. he frowned darkly, eyes darting down to the ground. Father would never forgive me and Metatron seems so certain...

[hunter_returns]

No you didn't. But that's not what Sam is here to argue about. He has to get him to turn around before he can try and convince him to go back to his brother. After everything Dean had done to save him, telling him that.. god. He's got to be going out of his mind.

Lucifer was certain too. Being sure of your path doesn't mean that it's the right one, okay? I thought I was doing the right thing and wound up opening the Cage. Setting him free. Regret sings through him as he gathers his fading strength. I was wrong. So was Lucifer. Metatron, he lied to Castiel. How do you know he's not lying to you?

[restrengthen]

If he hadn't, then Dean would have held out hope. He would have come after him, tried to reach Sam. He felt like he had to.

I'm not certain that he's not... but as I said, there aren't many options for me. There's doubt there. There's been doubt since he was given that piece of paper with Kevin's name. Killing the prophet... it was not something I desired to do.

[hunter_returns]

You didn't have to hurt Kevin. He was.. he was family. Sam will grieve for him later. He was a good kid who had done his best with a terrible situation. He deserved better.

Listen, there are always options. Go back to the bunker. We'll find them together. I promise, we'll find a way to get you back. Crowley had said the spell was irreversible, but Sam meant every word of what he said.

You're not a killer. You got screwed by God's Plan, I get that. Kind of the story of mine and Dean's life. Go back. We'll find a way together.

[restrengthen]

Metatron was afraid of him. That he would find something, perhaps. That the spell could truly be undone. Anyone's guess was as good as any at this point.

He feels himself hesitating. He can't help it. His faith was shaken by tonight's order. But--

You know as well as I do that Dean will find a way to kill me if I go back.

[hunter_returns]

That hesitation was enough for Sam to jump in again, to keep talking. Not if you let me talk to him. Maybe, maybe if you go to Metatron, we can find some kind of way to stop him. Together.

Look, I know it's hard, I know it sucks, but we can do this. They'd defeated Lucifer, they'd saved the world. They can do this. Somehow. Sam is exhausted beyond measure, but he can't let Dean face this alone. Can't let him think that this was his fault.

Please. Just let me talk to him. He's all I've got.

[restrengthen]

Perhaps. It was a possibility that they could find another way -- he knew about the Winchesters enough to know that they were capable of doing impossible things.

If I go back, then I have to have some promise of my safety, Sam. I don't want to die... not lie this. Not at the hands of my brothers or Dean.

[hunter_returns]

I won’t let him hurt you. Look, Dean’s gone to a lot of trouble to keep me alive. And they were going to have Words about that in the near future, make no mistake about it.

The only way we’re going to make this right is together. I promise. I won’t try and expel you, and I need you not to screw with my memory anymore. No more lost time.

Gadreel had tried, and if Sam had picked up on one false note in his thoughts, he’d probably have tried to push him free and risk the consequences. But he’d heard real remorse, real regret and the sound of an angel boxed in by fate and powers too big for him to control.
We can do this. Find some other way. If Dean won’t help, then we’ll do it on our own.

[restrengthen]

It wasn't your doing that put me there.

Sam didn't have to apologize for his mistakes.

And for now, Ezekiel was comfortable with allowing Sam control to get them to the motel. He knew they had to be discreet and he trusted him to be so.

What do you intend to say to him?

[hunter_returns]

I'm still sorry it happened. And he was. Heaven's prisons were about as charming as the Cage itself.

Out of the way motels. Abandoned houses. They'd gone to ground when the Leviathans were hunting them - Sam could do it again.

Sam drew a slow breath, dragging a hand through his hair. I'm not sure. Me and Dean, we've been through a lot together. He can't use a memory - not with an angel inside him, Dean would never buy it. I'll think of something.

Somehow. But that was the Winchester way, right?

[restrengthen]

He'll want me gone. And he would have to find his former vessel. That left the troubling thought of having both Winchesters after him.

[hunter_returns]

I know. I mean.. can you? If Dean had done this to keep him alive, wouldn't throwing him back out just mean him dying all over again?

We've all made some pretty big mistakes along the way. You could have come to us, we could have helped before this all went bad. Sam.. really doesn't know what Dean's going to do, how he's going to prove to him that he's really in control.

Proving that he's talked to Gadreel and things are on the level? Yeah. Another impossibility he's going to have to sort out.

[restrengthen]

I could, but you're not entirely healed. And he would still need him, at least for a little bit. The healing would have to be done in stages, for something so severe as what Sam went through.

He didn't want to go though. It was safer here for the moment.

And what would either of you have done? You have no idea of the extent of my crimes.

[hunter_returns]

The motel room paid for, Sam opens the door and closes it behind him. He settles in the bed, tipping his head back against the wall. No, he's not entirely healed, not if he was this tired for no good reason.

We're hunters. We lie and kill for a living. Me? I got addicted to demon blood, killed Lilith and set Lucifer free while everyone around me tried to stop me. Trust me - no throwing of stones here.

A long quiet moment. What happened? No pressing for details, no threatening of judgement, just quietly curious.

[restrengthen]

I let Lucifer into the Garden of Eden. I set in motion all that has happened... that is what my brothers say. He doubts he will not be met with judgement. How could one not judge him, particularly one of the ones directed affected by Lucifer slipping past his defenses?

He set into motion many things...

I was supposed to guard it from evil.

[hunter_returns]

Sam can't help but be quietly astonished. Wait. They put all of that on you? Lucifer got in so everything was on you?

.. That's complete and utter bullshit. That's not on you. I was possessed by him once, and if he wanted into the garden? He was getting in. That's not your fault.

Sam closes his eyes. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But I think they're wrong. They can't blame you for all of it.

[restrengthen]

Gadreel remained silent for a moment. He had been through years of being in his own cage, withstanding his own tortures. Even if you think that, part of the blame is still with me. It's because of me that Lucifer became what he did, that humanity is corrupt... that demons exist.

I don't want to repeat those mistakes though. I don't want to stay locked away any longer. That's why I can't let it happen again...

Regardless of the cost.

[hunter_returns]

It's a cage Sam knows well enough. He nods, leafing through a takeout menu left by the last occupant. Maybe part of it? But not enough to justify leaving you locked up since the beginning of time.

You're helping me, letting me go home. Look, I know it doesn't seem like much but it's a start. It's a step in the right direction. We'll find some way to make this right.

[restrengthen]

Perhaps. Gadreel can't put his full faith in that, but he still hasn't tried to take control, to seal Sam away once more.

We will see. In the meantime, you should eat. It can only add to your strength.

[hunter_returns]

Sam has faith in his brother. The rest.. they'll have to figure out as they go. If Gadreel trusts him enough not to lock him down, that's a step in the right direction.

Yeah. I'll see if I can figure out a takeout place that'll deliver. The more we stay out of sight the better.